I cried today. For the first time in some time I cried. Well, no, I've cried twice in the past month because I've lost two very important people in my life, within the same week, and that may have a great deal to do with why I had a breakdown and somewhat of a break through today.
And, I'm not telling you this to get pity comments or to jolt you emotionally; however, I want to share my thoughts and experiences because you maybe dealing with some of the same issues.
I was reading Marianne Williamson today after I had the breakdown and she was the catalyst for the breakthrough. Marianne Williamson is the author of "Our Deepest Fear" which is not a poem, but a quote actually from one of her first books, which discusses how in our generation we act out of fear.
And, until today, I didn't realize that everything I do in my life is a REACTION to my FEAR FOR LIFE AND GREATNESS!
I smoke knowing that it is detrimental to my health because I am AFRAID of the challenge to quit, I drink because it gives me a europhic feeling that takes me out of my own reality because I'm not pleased with my current reality and I FEAR that reality, I don't workout anymore because of my FEAR that I've fucked up my body so bad because of diet and addictions that I'm FEARFUL that I won't be able to perform at the level I used to, I FEAR beginning my graduate applications because I feel as if these schools will reject me because of how I handled my first graduate degree, I FEAR moving away because I FEAR I will fall flat on my face, I FEAR pulling my credit report because I've made MANY financial mistakes since I turned 18, and I finally admitted today that I FEAR taking my writing career to the next level and my professional career to the next level because what I want to write about will expose WHO I TRULY AM.
I FEAR losing friends, family, etc. because of the issues I want to discuss and that I have an interest in.
And, until now, I didn't think I had the strength to overcome these FEARS, but I think that I am coming INTO MYSELF. I think it took the last three years of a salacious life and seemingly wasted time to get me here--ROCK BOTTOM.
And, its ok. I mean, I truly contemplated what would it be if the world didn't have me in it, as in if I took myself out of it.
And, this reaction has nothing to do with "bullying" by others, but by the "bullying" of my own self. Who would've thought???
Where do I go from here? I take everyday as it comes. When people said that before I truly did not realize what that meant. I'm making some changes and hopefully more rapidly than ever. Yes, I've posted about changing in the past and I have made A LOT OF PROGRESS with my finances, eating certain meats, trying to meditate more but not to the extent that I needed to. But, I truly believe I am ready to make some changes and if you are in a situation where you are not happy I think that you should do a self-evaluation and start those changes yourself.
YES, WE'RE PAST JAN. 1 BUT ITS NOT TOO LATE TO INSTITUTE YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.
LOOK FOR THIS BOOK ON AMAZON OR YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE. I PROMISE, ITS WHAT YOU NEED:
A RETURN TO LOVE: REFLECTIONS OF THE PRINCIPLES OF A COURSE IN MIRACLES by MARIANNE WILLIAMSON