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08 August 2010


I am 28. I remember a time in my life when I felt like 28 was so far off and I had so much time to accomplish so many things and be at a place in my life where I felt like a true ADULT. However, what I've realized is that I have spent, since the age of 24, when I really got the fire under my ass to make dreams a reality, so much time in figuring out who I am and how my sexuality defines who I am that I have waisted a great deal of time focusing on what makes me who I am outside of it.

I met a 20 year old, or 19, I'm not sure because obviously he isn't sure or "does not truly disclose his age." Upon meeting him I was thinking that it would be a cool little cat to hang out with, occupy some free time, and thats it. Now, what has happened even within the short time that I've known him is, a lot of discussions that made me realize, even moreso than what I already have, that I maybe a little to caught up in this lifestyle.

One day I gave him the opportunity to read the blog and he took the opportunity to also fumble through my computer without my knowledge and found that I had visit xtube frequently and I have an oovoo account, etc. Well, he shared his opinion about it, although not in a very mature fashion, and he said that it is one thing to fuck around with dudes (for whatever reason) but its another to be so caught up in it.

Well, he didn't understand, even though not necessarily excusable, that I do have porn and I do have oovoo to deter me from consistently surrendering to my carnal desires. It also enables me to not have to deal with the rigamaro, especially like the couple of weeks we've had, with other guys. I can bust a nutt and keep it moving.

But, when is the discussion about sex and cyber-sex and relationships too much? When do you know that you have let this "thing" in our lives take up too much of our lives?

Now, I understand that human relationships and sex is a part of our everyday lives. There are only so many hours you can work in a day, so many social events you can attend, and so many organizations you can be a part of to keep your brain off of the bullshit that comes with busting a nutt, with or without someone.

But, what I've found especially in his argument to me, is that sometimes we do let our carnal desires run our lives. For most of the guys who I've dealt with I can ask them how much time on a given day do you spend of hook-up or chat sites, or how much time on the weekend do you go out cruising looking for dick or ass, or how much time do you spend on the phone, not with the one dude who you COULD be kicking it with and it have some value, but with multiple guys who are potential freak sessions later that night? And the answer would be, or the translation of those answers would be, TOO MUCH TIME!

Where does the buck stop? Are we, as black men who date men, or gay, or homo, what have you, spending too much time thinking about sex or for that matter, trying to get into a relationship?

When do we pray about the Creator sending us the right one who will compliment our personalities and leave it in his hands instead of being on the prowl 24/7 as a means to find that individual?

I have a very good friend, more like my soulmate, and we talk all the time. She has found someone, after years and years of failed "friendships" and the love of her life turning out to be an undercover asshole, and she has finally found someone who compliments her. Now, granted, we know that hetero and homo relationships have its own difficulties and challenges, but in reality, people are people so we all share common difficulties in trying to establish a healthy relationship.

I look at her life and the plethora of goals she has accomplished in her life, inspite of the struggles she's face with relationships and sex, and I notice that she is way ahead of me in the game of life. And, I have no one else to blame but myself. Now, I am no bum on the street, I think that I have accomplished a lot in my 28 years, but I know my capabilities and I know how much more I could have accomplished if I didn't have a one track mind. I could have done more and still been on the search of "finding myself" and figuring out what I ultimately want in the relationship or sexual category of my life. I just opted to focus more on that than upward mobility like I should have.

I will say this, for the young and old who read this, no matter where you are in your life currently, if you feel as if this shit is too much, if you feel like you are losing yourself to this 'lifestyle' and all the things that come with it, take a minute and retrack. It's ok that you might have fallen to deep--the threesomes were too good, the late night freak sessions were great nutts, the 5 month relationship or the 2 week run at one seemed to at least feel good at the time, and that's ok, what it's about is where you go from here.

No, a little xtube every now and again is cool, a little SAFE freak session here and there is ok, we're human, but the ultimate goal is to not let it consume you. We have an abundance of cybersex outlets and hook up sites that will tempt you to meet the local dime and get it in real quick, but step back and ask yourself, how is this going to elevate me to the next level?

If it doesn't then let it go. It's ok to let it go.

I look back at my sexual and "relationship" track record and I realize that I let sex determine how I felt about someone, I let a person's body determine if I was attracted mentally, emotionally, and physically, but I now understand that you have to find the entire package. And, until the entire package comes along I might need to "cool off" as your girl would say.

In addition, 60 minutes of good sex is not worth a lifetime of dealing with a disease that could determine the rest of your life. And, remember, its not just HIV/AIDS that is a disease that will stay with you for a lifetime.

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