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25 April 2010

...To Assume or Not to Assume? Is That Really the Question?

I met one of my best friends about two years ago. I thought he was the guy I would have my first full fledged relationship with--he was attractive, little muscular, shorter cat (which I like) and he had conversation. His biggest attribute, he loved Hip-Hop, I can't say he was in love with Hip-Hop because in my brain Hip-Hop then could only be IN love with one person and that was me. I wanted to be oblivious to the fact that Hip-Hop has many love affairs inspite of the fact "I Used to Love Her" blasts through my speakers on a regular basis, but that's another story.

In our first conversations it was all about when we were going to meet (we were 4 hours apart) and when were going to send new pictures and how would we function in a relationship if it worked out...we know the drill of discrete, long-distance conversations that result from being hook-up sites for too long. Needless to say, when we met we made a firm decision that its best that we be friends instead of fucking around.

But, in our conversation when we did meet, he said something to me that still resonates with me to this day. He said, "dudes must hit on you all the time when you're out."

I looked confused as hell as if to say, "...well, what motherfucka would have the balls to actually holla at me in public?" So, I asked, (which is one of the reasons I think we didn't make it in a relationship), " often do motherfuckas holla at you in public?" His reply, "...all the time." Well, at that point in my life, when I was less comfortable with being with a guy than I am now, I was thinking that if he is getting hit on in the streets for sex consistently than I know he popping them like pills from offline. Or, at the least, that was my thoughts at the time and as we grew to know each other better he's not as bad as I had assumed...LOL. (Love you MBFF, Aceboon)

Now, I am sure that all of us have these conversations on a consistent basis. That is, " do you know when a dude is hollering at you in public?"

For me, however, my question became, "...why have I never been hollered at in public?" It made me ask the old questions we as humans ask ourselves all the time:

-Am I not attractive?
-Do I have a smug attitude when I'm out?
-Am I not likeable?
-(Your Questions Here)

That day I left that those questions where they were--unanswered. A year later, after moving in the same city as he, I bought the issue back to the table. I asked him why did he think I had never been approached while in public. He gave me some valid answers--and this blog post isn't about how to find your potential dude in the streets, its just a discussion because I'm sure many of you have the same questions. This is especially true for those who have just stepped in the game.

First, he said that I am intimidating. I am Napeolonic (yea, I have the right to create words on my blog...LOL). I carry myself, because I am shorter, in a very intimidating way. Even my family, other friends, students, etc. have told me that I walk as if I'm 6'1, 210 pounds of all muscle and if you see me I am not that. I am small with an athletic, semi-muscular build, dark skin, which in America translates to threatening anyway, and I speak boisterously. Now, the thing I do notice when I'm out is that men stare at me. And before I started fucking around I always thought that Black men had problems with other Black men. I didn't know if it was jealousy or Black men felt threatened when other Black men came into their presence (the territorial factor) but I always noticed that Black men, even if I have my window down in my car, would just STARE! Little did I know the reason why they were staring.

See, most men do not, especially here in the South with the exception of certain larger cities such as Atlanta, know how to approach another Black man who they're interested in without the fear factor of being rejected because they would come off as a punk or gay. I mean, if a dude comes up to another dude and says, "...a yo bru, let me buy you a beer," what is the other person to assume. So, the feeling is justified. But, when does one know when or when not to approach?

Personally, and I have to laugh at myself, I never approach. I don't think I even too much holler at many when I'm online, so I can present the question but I damn sure don't have the answer.

When do you assume that the sexy motherfucka in the corner gets down? Now, after 5 years of being in the game many will say that I should've already figured that shit out. Well, I haven't and I'm not sure if I ever will. What I will say is there are ways to find out, there are strategic ways to approach him, and there are ways to land the next meet.

Because I do think that it is limiting for Fellas Attracted to Men (FAM) to only have access to guys through online access.

I want your opinion...


  1. Good point made about the limitations of online dating....I for one have had it, in addition to the fact that I'm simply getting too old and too tired of the sameness. But I can deeply empathize and associate with your concerns about social/romantic advances. I have come to the realization--with the help of mostly "bitter unfortunates," (I will call them)--that I carry a very intimidating, almost conservative approach to social activities. Simply said, I just don't want to be fucked with. I'm a real decent person, but despite the fact that I like dick, I don't go walking the streets smiling from ear to ear...skipping with glee. I will apologize for the hint of femininity that exudes; but letting the lames know the real mofo deal--I will not.