Just One of Those Days...

I cried today. For the first time in some time I cried. Well, no, I've cried twice in the past month because I've lost two very important people in my life, within the same week, and that may have a great deal to do with why I had a breakdown and somewhat of a break through today.

And, I'm not telling you this to get pity comments or to jolt you emotionally; however, I want to share my thoughts and experiences because you maybe dealing with some of the same issues.

I was reading Marianne Williamson today after I had the breakdown and she was the catalyst for the breakthrough. Marianne Williamson is the author of "Our Deepest Fear" which is not a poem, but a quote actually from one of her first books, which discusses how in our generation we act out of fear.

And, until today, I didn't realize that everything I do in my life is a REACTION to my FEAR FOR LIFE AND GREATNESS!

I smoke knowing that it is detrimental to my health because I am AFRAID of the challenge to quit, I drink because it gives me a europhic feeling that takes me out of my own reality because I'm not pleased with my current reality and I FEAR that reality, I don't workout anymore because of my FEAR that I've fucked up my body so bad because of diet and addictions that I'm FEARFUL that I won't be able to perform at the level I used to, I FEAR beginning my graduate applications because I feel as if these schools will reject me because of how I handled my first graduate degree, I FEAR moving away because I FEAR I will fall flat on my face, I FEAR pulling my credit report because I've made MANY financial mistakes since I turned 18, and I finally admitted today that I FEAR taking my writing career to the next level and my professional career to the next level because what I want to write about will expose WHO I TRULY AM.

I FEAR losing friends, family, etc. because of the issues I want to discuss and that I have an interest in.

And, until now, I didn't think I had the strength to overcome these FEARS, but I think that I am coming INTO MYSELF. I think it took the last three years of a salacious life and seemingly wasted time to get me here--ROCK BOTTOM.

And, its ok. I mean, I truly contemplated what would it be if the world didn't have me in it, as in if I took myself out of it.

And, this reaction has nothing to do with "bullying" by others, but by the "bullying" of my own self. Who would've thought???

Where do I go from here? I take everyday as it comes. When people said that before I truly did not realize what that meant. I'm making some changes and hopefully more rapidly than ever. Yes, I've posted about changing in the past and I have made A LOT OF PROGRESS with my finances, eating certain meats, trying to meditate more but not to the extent that I needed to. But, I truly believe I am ready to make some changes and if you are in a situation where you are not happy I think that you should do a self-evaluation and start those changes yourself.

YES, WE'RE PAST JAN. 1 BUT ITS NOT TOO LATE TO INSTITUTE YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

LOOK FOR THIS BOOK ON AMAZON OR YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE. I PROMISE, ITS WHAT YOU NEED:

A RETURN TO LOVE: REFLECTIONS OF THE PRINCIPLES OF A COURSE IN MIRACLES by MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

The Exploitation of MLK: Here's To You ATL!

I think I was really taken aback about two years ago when I found out that there was this event for THE GAYS that happened every MLK Weekend.

The debauchery, the sinister nature, and the fuckery that happens in the same city where this man was born and raised and we use it to commence this fuckery!

Now, I can understand if we go to ATL for the weekend and maybe hit a club or two, have a couple of drinks, but to dedicate an entire weekend to bathhouses, freak niks, threesomes, fivesomes, tensomes is not the purpose for MLK day!

Martin Luther King may have fought for equal rights and justice no matter the color, the sex, the age, THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION, the economic class, THE STATUSES that we create too well in this country, but it is not the time to find space to have sex parties and bullshit.

Serve on MLK Day, give back to the community, or even hold an event at your house where you celebrate his life. Celebrate the strides made toward making this country a place of equality, not for one to have sex parties, but for one to celebrate what it is to be human and to be accepted no matter the sexual orientation, race, age or socioeconomic status one has.

Just something to remember...we will do what we want when we want, but just have a conscience is all I'm saying.

Martin Luther the King, Jr.: 1.15.29-4.4.68 COMMEMORATE!

The Discrete Relationship 13: The Ex

Listen fellas, the one thing that we have to learn as men is that we are analytical thinkers, well, most of us. We make decisions, not with our emotions, but with our logic. Well, I'll say, at least for me, my decisions are based 90 percent in logic, 10 percent in emotions.

When we decide to commit to someone we've made a conscious decision and we feel comfortable because we just didn't think with our dicks. Yes, our dicks make decisions in the bedroom, but our brains make the decisions when we enter a relationship. The same holds true for when we break up so all I can say is WHEN AN EX IS AN EX LEAVE THEM YOUR EX.

Now, I give this advice for most of you. Some of us do make mistakes and we make rash decisions so if you truly know that you and this dude are going to be good together, referencing the past just might be the key to the future.

And, for those with ex's who are fucking psychotic bastards, deal with them carefully and ensure, if you are in a relationship or you have ex's, that your friends are not involved with those ex's unless those friends and your ex are mature enough to handle a circle that is broken.

The Discrete Relationship 12: Those Fucking Thugz

(Photo by: Bing.com)

Yo son, one of my turn ons back on the day bru, was lil dudes in my hood who had that swagger, gold tooth, smoked out lips, clean cut, smelling nice wit some fresh Timbs or A-1's.

I would get hard looking at them motherfuckas imagining them showing me what no other dude was supposed to see, supple balls, nice veiny dick, washboard abs, and a smile to make the package complete.

Yea, I fantasized about those fucking thugs man. Moreso, I laid victim to the yielding power they had over me. If you hit me on the chatline and I saw your pic and could decipher between if you were a "true thug" or a fake ass nigga with some Timbs on, and I could see the real, you had my number by the 3rd message.

That was when I was 23 and had just started fucking with dudes and for me, at that time, I only saw dudes for sex so, what the hell? I loved the hook up with you today, maybe hook up again next week and never hear from you again because I wasn't calling you and you weren't about to call me. It was BRAVADO and MACHISMO on both our parts. I had to prove my manhood to him and he had to ensure that I knew that he was a thug that didn't chase after no nigga regardless of how much attraction was there.

Today, I was at work, my retail parttime, and in my type of retail we don't get many thugs, mostly older couples, couple of college kids, and little white ladies so my eye candy at work isn't much. But today, this dude came in.

Lightskin, dark smoke lips (I still love that though), a 50/51, bubble coat, jeans hanging, bout 6'3", muscular or fit I should say, and talked boisterously. I'm not a quiet nigga so I love a dude who speaks boisterously and isn't ashamed of being a dude and will add a curse word every now and again in public. He needed some assistance and I had to talk to him for about a good 20 minutes where my usual interaction with a customer is maybe, 3 minutes at the most, and we were just shooting the shit. At the end, he asked my name, gave me dap, and told me he appreciated everything and I was enamored.

THE PROBLEM?

Bossman was probably interested, but even if we were in a safe space where I could've explored more I would've decided not to. See bossman would probably get up with me, we'll hang out, I'll find out he has 3 or more kids, trying to maintain, and can't keep a regular dude because of his kids, baby moms, and not to mention, his immediate family. And, his heart probably wouldn't let us get farther than hanging a couple of times before he came to his senses (so to speak).

So, I gave bossman dap, and let it go. The one thing I've realized in the 5 years of fucking with dudes is that we have to choose who we are fucking with carefully IF we are looking for something that lasts more than two weeks.

SO FOR THOSE FUCKING THUGS, thugs are good dudes, they are, they have everything we want BUT the question becomes are they what we NEED. And, I'm not saying ALL THUGS fill in this category, you just have to be careful which one you pick.

There's nothing wrong with choosing a REGULAR DUDE, a regular masculine dude who understands how to be a MAN who wants another MAN without the insecurities that come with some. And, I'm not advocating that every MAN WHO FUCKS WITH MEN, should be OUT to everyone and exploit their relationship for ill gain, but at the least, ask of him to be able to take you out without thinking that someone is thinking about if the two of you are together.

For Colored Guys Who Have Committed Sexual Suicide When Himself Is Not Enuff

I watched as the stereotypes played across the screen,
These tall muscular bodies prouncing around with their big dicks and fat asses,
And I compared myself to the talking screen comparing my short limbs and small waist to theirs.

I thought the only way I could even image putting my dick in his mouth is if I had a profile that detailed how many times I went to the gym and how big my little head swole,
And I looked at how he could conduct a marriage with a woman, even though a lie, and still make men scream his name,
And I wondered if I could do the same because what was masculine even behind close doors was defined by what others saw in public,
And I was ashamed because I couldn't answer the question without facing my own truth and my self-esteem went from a boil to simple simmer.

I couldn't figure out why I felt this way just by looking at the talking screen,
Because like these women who use their struggles to define their own destinies and their own lives,
I thought I had done the same, but it became evident that my same was way different from theirs,
And I had to reevaluate.

I went weeks questioning my own manhood and questioning what I call discretion,
Neither do I look the part nor do I fit the roles of what manhood had become for a black man within the lines that make borders of what the map labeled America,
I had been taught that what I saw on the screen that was shown in public is what I should strive for,
Studying late nights, earning degrees, bank deposits, lifting 45's while spotted, and the rise in between my legs were all for her and what she will produce,
And I didn't see my world in this way and I became frantic of the idea of what went behind closed doors, although my public scene was still not was expected,
Would allow my social skeleton out of the closet and I held on tight to those closet doors even tighter.

All the while I struggled I continued in my reevaluation,
And I still hold tight, I still hold tight but as those doors that seem so much stronger than me even though I've paid trainers to increase my strength still isn't enough,
I've figured out just enough,
Because although my body doesn't reflect that of the muscle men, 6'0 feet tall with phat asses and long-swinging dicks that speak to the end of rulers,
I am more than what I had questioned, 5'2, 130 pounds is more than attractive to many, dark skin can make another man falter to his knees, and a bright smile and big eyes can make even the tallest and strongest man cum,
So I have no regrets for me because neither does the one who created me,
And I now know that the talking big screen is only a fantasy driven by misconstrued truths that turned into lies years ago and I am an advocate for the truth.

- Discrete Male

Motherfucka of the Week: Santonio Holmes

I like 'em dark, fit, and intelligent. I know I like something different every week...just see it as me understanding that I have various attractions (and STFU!...LOL).

Santonio Holmes has not only been Rookie of the Year, but he has also been given the title MVP. The dude has mad heart in the game and definitely gives his all each season inspite of the track record for the two teams he's played for (Steelers, Jets).

What's most amazing about him is he is quietly sexy and there is this ruggedness about him that would bring any nigga to his knees (literally). And, when he smiles it makes you wanna unzip your pants.

And, when he unzips his...as you can see below...your jaws will drop! Just make sure you open wide...

How Much Do You Masturbate???

I did a poll a while back (not a pole, a poll) that asked how much YOU masturbate. YES, YOU!

And, I don't remember the results, but I do want to revisit the topic. I was speaking with my therapist (that sounds kind of uppity, but like I'm crazy all at the same time, but we keep it real and more black people need to have one) and we were discussing some of the things that keeps me from having GOOD RELATIONSHIPS with other guys.

Now, my therapist is also a sex therapist and the reason why I chose him is because we can have open and honest conversation about my life without the hidden secrets and whatever. Thank the Creator for the confidentiality clause.

So, he said something that struck me. "Masturbation can be a legitimate reason why you haven't found a guy."

I thought about it and thought about it. See, I thought that by me masturbating more and not having a bunch of sex would keep me from being a hoe and would limit me from jumping into bed on the first date (CHECK MY DISCRETE RELATIONSHIP 11 POST), but ultimately, what I'm doing is disabling another person to please me and I become satisfied with pleasing myself. In addition, just like in the post I just told you to reference, we become more satisfied with the fantasy than the reality of enjoying being with someone else.

In doing that we become comfortable with not having someone else, meaning we don't seek to find satisfying relationships and we don't put in the work to attaining a good relationship.

Damn, so true. So, if you are a CHRONIC MASTURBATOR, just something to think about. On average, I jack it about twice a day. Now, I think I'm going to bring it down to once a week (TAKE MY COMPUTER PLEASE OR PUT A PARENTAL GUARD ON IT CUZ THIS IS GONNA BE HARD...LOL...PUN INTENDED).

Just something to think about!

B.M.H. Part 5: My Ultimate Routine

Iight fellas. So, one of my followers asked me the other day what do I do when I'm gymming. And, I have went back to my old routine that gave ME the most success. Now, all of our bodies are different so you have to figure out what works best for you. This is my NEW agenda for my workouts with some OLD things that worked for me in the past.

1. Protein Intake per Day: It is recommended that you should eat your weight+half your weight in grams of protein per day. I know that didn't make sense so here is the formula.

• I weigh 125 so I need to eat 125 grams of protein+ 1/2 of 125 so for me, beginning, I will need to eat 187.5 grams of protein OR MORE per day to grow at a steady pace.

2. Calorie Intake per Day: To gain certain pounds you have to eat a certain amount of calories per day depending on your body weight and your fat percentage.

• Example: I am 125 pounds and I have 5% body fat. I have to first calculate my lean body mass.
• Formula for LEAN BODY MASS: Body Weight 125 x (100%-5%)=119 (to next decimal point)
• Then you multiply your LEAN BODY MASS (119) x 19=2261

So, as I begin, I need to eat AT LEAST 2,261 calories per day (with 187.5 grams/protein per day) to build muscle mass.

3. Ensure: I can't do protein shakes because I neither have the time nor can I stomach most protein shakes so I do two bottles of ENSURE with added protein to my diet per day. It really did great things for me.

4. Creatine: Again, I can't do shakes so I use the liquid purified form of Creatine taking two doses per day (1 preworkout, 1 postworkout).

And, that's all I do. If you are trying to become a BODYBUILDER there is a little more that goes into your supplementation and diet and I AM NOT the one to consult for that...LOL.

Hope it helps!

The Discrete Relationship 11: WTF is Wrong?

I want a relationship, I do.

But, I want a relationship by MY standards. There is nothing wrong with that at all. However, when do our standards become the thing that limits us attaining a successful relationship with another guy.

Having said that let me ask this...do you know how MTV, BET, VH1 plays reruns all fucking day (which is ultimately smart because we will watch that bullshit over and over again). Well, I had the opportunity to sit home and watch that bullshit all day today with no interruption. My choice of channel these days has been BRAVO. I don't know why my television has not changed channels in three days, other than the fact that remote doesn't work and I'm too lazy to take it to the cable store, but BRAVO is where it stayed. So, I sat and watched "Millionaire Matchmaker" literally all day back to back to back. It was really enlightening.

Of course you had all these different types of people, white, black, puerto rican, asian, gay, straight, older, younger--who all had the desire to find their potential 'SOUL MATES'. It's so overrated because we talk about love and relationships all the time to no avail. However, Patti, the matchmaker made some really good points throughout the broadcasts.

This is what I took from it:

1. FUCK YOUR LISTS!!! We will never find the PERFECT guy. He doesn't exist. I was looking at some other blogs of some of my twitter followers and some others and all we do is post pics of these muscular bound, nice physique men and we create a personality for them that fits our needs and then we go out into the world and try to find that. Now, I'm sure there are many physically fit, sensitive but masculine, cool ass dudes but what are the odds that any dude will perfectly fit your credentials.

2. MAKE NON-NEGOTIABLES! So, to continue from 1, instead of making a laundry list of your specifications, make a list of your must haves. What is MOST important to you and try to not make your list to be more than 5 non-negotiables. And, who wants to do laundry anyway. Keep it simple. For example, I will make my list here, right now, on the spot (no, this is not premeditated).

1. My dude must be cultured and love music. (RE: I talk about politics, race relations, music, and diet all day with friends and family and in order for us to have conversations and for him to hold my attention he has to have a vast knowledge of these topics.)
2. My dude must be open to the possibility of raising children with another guy and not feel to insecure about it. (RE: I don't know if I want kids, really, but I am an academic professional so obviously I love working with children and may want my own someday.)
3. My dude must acknowledge some higher being. (RE: I consider myself to be very spiritual so I meditate, I pray, and I am consistent conversation with God and he must not be weirded out about my relationship with God.)
4. My dude must be physically fit and dedicated to his health. (RE: I am aware of my health and physical fitness and although I have slacked terribly in the past couple of months I know that I can do better and to have a guy who is dedicated to that will help me motivate myself and vice versa.)
5. My dude must be patient and willing to understand me holistically. (RE: I change. I am always changing but I believe the core of me stays the same. He needs to be able to understand whatever changes I may go through and accept them and I will for him.)

3. Don't build walls, break them down! Anytime I hear about people putting up walls I always think of how I deal with dating, sex, and relationships (as they are not the same). I consistently put walls up and I will give you the allusion that I am being fully open and honest when I'm not at all and to have mastered that skill really isn't a good thing because it always ends up failing because they don't know the real me.

4. Don't have sex on the first date! With the advent of porn we have access to look at all types of men whenever we want so we become bored with our partners because we are always thinking about if we're missing out on something better. If you try to not have sex for the first couple of weeks you will not become bored so easily and when you do have sex, it will be GREAT because you are so attracted to the person. Them simply calling you will make your dick jump.

5. Be truthful! If you have issues, baggage, pasts, etc. and you think it will inhibit you from dealing with certain things, explain that to dude. Let him know you've had some bad experiences so it may take a little while before you can fully open up. He can then make a decision if he wants to continue or not, but don't make that decision for him.

And, in the remembrance of leaving laundry lists to the laundry room and not to our love lives I'll stop here because that about sums it up. Remember, we're fellas dating other fellas, but we shouldn't be so MACHO as to not take these suggestions into consideration to find a long staying relationship.

The 3rd Wheel

When we were growing up our parents dreamed of the day that we would advance from our three wheel tricycles to a two wheel big boy bike. We somehow learned, through our childhood transportation, that two wheels are better than three.

But, are we as gay and bisexual men, relearning the value of that third wheel?

Scenario: You meet a guy. The guy is cool as fuck, conversation is easy, face is easy to look at, ass is easily ready for dick, and his dick is easily ready for you. The catch: He has a live-in boyfriend of over four years.

My first thought would be disappointing because I value two wheels. Two wheels are stable, the ride may get a little rocky every now and again, you may get a little off path because of the steering, but ultimately, it works and it gets you from Point A to Point B.

But, he tells you that its ok, his boyfriend has a boyfriend, and he's looking for one too. You look confused, befuddled...you become a little out of sorts. You don't understand because for a looong time, throughout your adolescence and adulthood you were taught two is better than three when it comes to relationships. And, hell, four is definitely not an option.

This actually happened to my homeboy and he was confused. Does he continue to look for the perfect bike or take the tricycle being offered to him on a silver platter?

The question he proposed to me was, "...is this the evolution of the 21st relationship?" Are we more accepting of having OPEN RELATIONSHIPS because we want them to be open or to hold on to what we already have? Because, ultimately, the third wheel can always be SCREWED off.

In my personal opinion, I think that someone will be SCREWED in the end. If you meet someone whose been an in a relationship for four years they have a solid foundation. The two wheels have worked when the third was on and when the third was off. But, it cannot work when one of the two main wheels are not in position.

So, I say, if you're not a main wheel, you need to find another bike. Too often we get comfortable with allowing ourselves to be bamboozled into the idea that to be with someone we have to succumb to their idea of what a relationship is when really you can find someone who shares the same ideals that you have about relationships, which leaves room for compatibility. And, no, its not always easy trying to ride a two-wheel bike, when you start you fall off sometimes, you may cheat, you may flirt, what have you, but you get back on and try again.

Now, I'm not so narrow minded as to think that a relationship between three people can't work. But, it only works when all parties involved are the same sized wheel. It cannot be a standard bike with extra wheels just holding on, everyone has to be valued.

What do you think? Why are we accepting the three partner relationships and is it healthy? Is it satisfying? Is it the new face of gay and bisexual relationships for the 21st century? Or, even, from what we see from Jada and Will Smith's relationship, is it the better way to go?

Look forward to your comments...